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| Welcome
This is the sequel of my newsletter âReflections 12. Sense of dutyâ. A year later I come around to visit the very same wound. It is good to realise, however, that I have come a long way. I must admit, it is a bit shocking to see how some lessons take such a long time to be learned. But even though inside of me the struggle is very similar, the outer situation is radically different: no shouting, no tears, no moaning, accusations or threats⊠Thatâs a very good sign. I have definitely come a long way. |
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A little window into my life
It was the end of our summer holiday: we had been sailing for a week and we need to pack the boat, drive home and unpack a frightening amount of stuff. I started the day feeling very connected with myself and very peaceful. My affirmation for the day was: âI do not push myself. I honour my rhythms, my truth, my painâ.
Unfortunately, I forgot that affirmation very quickly. At about midday I was feeling grumpy. I took some time out but, coming back to help hubby in the endless task of getting the boat ready to travel on the road, I noticed how resentful I felt toward the kids, who had only helped for 15 minutes all morning. I tried to talk to them, but it wasnât good. When we got home, they helped unpack, but I felt disconnected.
In the end, after dinner, a little trigger put me in touch with the very core of my pain: âitâs not fair!â There were some other minor Sweet Spots, like âI canât do it all aloneâ (this one is not even mine, itâs my mumâs) or âI miss the fun and love we share when we work as a teamâ. But mostly it was about the fact that I had pushed myself when I said I wouldnât, and all the pain of my inner rhythms and truth not having been respected when I was a child. Neither of those felt fair to my Inner Girl. The huge pain of that old wound blew up all of a sudden in all its might with that little trigger and, for the first time in the whole day, I was able to truly feel it and hear it. I had a massive cry.
It was only after the release that I could feel again truly connected to my kids. For the first time since the morning I felt grounded, peaceful and loving. I am grateful it happened that same day, so we could go to bed really feeling each otherâs heart. |
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The theory behind the practice
There are three things that surprised me most about my process that day.
One, how in spite having begun the day very connected, I totally lost that connection only a couple of hours later. I believe it had to do with my sense of duty, the fact that my husband was asking for help and, even though he was happy for me to say ânoâ, I pushed myself to support him beyond what felt right for me. I did it because it is a habit, because when I hear a request I sometimes assume, unconsciously!, that I have to help. When my parents asked for help it was âeither comply or else you are in troubleâ. It is hard to get out of that mode. Even after years of practicing something different, that sense of duty still creeps in, unnoticed⊠Amazing insight.
The second thing that surprised me was that, even though I looked after my external needs (food, rest, protection from the relentless burning sun, regular waterâŠ), I forgot to reconnect inside, so I kept disconnected both from my feelings and from my family. I find it fascinating how tricky it is to maintain that connection I had managed in my morning meditation, to keep checking in within and keep on asking: âHow are you doing, Maira? How are you feeling? How is it to hear this request from your beloved? How does it feel to hear this refusal to help from the children? What do you need right now?â
Itâs like once I start on a task, I have put myself in the treadmill and I donât take myself out till I finish that task, even if it takes a whole day! And while in the treadmill, I have blinkers on, ear plugs, I cannot see what is really going on, I cannot hear my Little Girlâs voice telling me about her pain or her needs… or my kid’s voices! So these days I set myself regular alarms on the phone to reconnect within, to help me change that treadmill habit!
The third surprise was to notice how the biggest pain was not about feeling unsupported, but about feeling disconnected. It was not so bad that the kids didnât help, but it felt horrendous that I didnât truly listen within. It brought up the emotional loneliness of my childhood when my parents were angry or excessively demanding: I had been emotionally abandoned by my parents at times of stress, and I was abandoning myself in similar moments. Unsupported is not as painful as abandoned. I wonder if that is for everyone? Is it the same for you?
So, again, itâs all about connection. In this case, about inner connection. May you find many ways in which you can stay in touch with yourself, so you can be truly connected to your loved ones.
Let me know what you think!Â
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Our task as parents is not to avoid disconnection. Disconnection will happen; itâs part of life.
What we need to do is to become masters at reconnecting.
Larry Cohen |
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| What’s up locally
If you want to hear about local events aligned with Inspired Parenting, you can subscribe to my ‘Wholesome Parenting events’ newsletter. It comes toward the end of the month to let you know about talks, workshops and open support groups happening between the Gold Coast, Ballina and Kyogle the following month.
To subscribe, send me an email (you can just reply to this one) with your request, name and email address. |
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| Inspired Parenting Glossary
Sweet Spot:
Term created by Marion Rose to indicate the place where pent up emotions are stored up in our system. |
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