Reflections 23. Reconnecting within 💌 


Reflecting on my parenting journey, may you see yourself reflected.

Reconnecting within
Issue #23, February 2017

Groundedness and alignment are qualities of an inner connection.


This is the sequel of my newsletter “Reflections 12. Sense of duty”. A year later I come around to visit the very same wound. It is good to realise, however, that I have come a long way. I must admit, it is a bit shocking to see how some lessons take such a long time to be learned. But even though inside of me the struggle is very similar, the outer situation is radically different: no shouting, no tears, no moaning, accusations or threats… That’s a very good sign. I have definitely come a long way.

A little window into my life



It was the end of our summer holiday: we had been sailing for a week and we need to pack the boat, drive home and unpack a frightening amount of stuff. I started the day feeling very connected with myself and very peaceful. My affirmation for the day was: “I do not push myself. I honour my rhythms, my truth, my pain”.

Unfortunately, I forgot that affirmation very quickly. At about midday I was feeling grumpy. I took some time out but, coming back to help hubby in the endless task of getting the boat ready to travel on the road, I noticed how resentful I felt toward the kids, who had only helped for 15 minutes all morning. I tried to talk to them, but it wasn’t good. When we got home, they helped unpack, but I felt disconnected.

In the end, after dinner, a little trigger put me in touch with the very core of my pain: “it’s not fair!” There were some other minor Sweet Spots, like “I can’t do it all alone” (this one is not even mine, it’s my mum’s) or “I miss the fun and love we share when we work as a team”. But mostly it was about the fact that I had pushed myself when I said I wouldn’t, and all the pain of my inner rhythms and truth not having been respected when I was a child. Neither of those felt fair to my Inner Girl. The huge pain of that old wound blew up all of a sudden in all its might with that little trigger and, for the first time in the whole day, I was able to truly feel it and hear it. I had a massive cry.

It was only after the release that I could feel again truly connected to my kids. For the first time since the morning I felt grounded, peaceful and loving. I am grateful it happened that same day, so we could go to bed really feeling each other’s heart.

The theory behind the practice

There are three things that surprised me most about my process that day.

One, how in spite having begun the day very connected, I totally lost that connection only a couple of hours later. I believe it had to do with my sense of duty, the fact that my husband was asking for help and, even though he was happy for me to say ‘no’, I pushed myself to support him beyond what felt right for me. I did it because it is a habit, because when I hear a request I sometimes assume, unconsciously!, that I have to help. When my parents asked for help it was “either comply or else you are in trouble”. It is hard to get out of that mode. Even after years of practicing something different, that sense of duty still creeps in, unnoticed… Amazing insight.

The second thing that surprised me was that, even though I looked after my external needs (food, rest, protection from the relentless burning sun, regular water…), I forgot to reconnect inside, so I kept disconnected both from my feelings and from my family. I find it fascinating how tricky it is to maintain that connection I had managed in my morning meditation, to keep checking in within and keep on asking: “How are you doing, Maira? How are you feeling? How is it to hear this request from your beloved? How does it feel to hear this refusal to help from the children? What do you need right now?”

It’s like once I start on a task, I have put myself in the treadmill and I don’t take myself out till I finish that task, even if it takes a whole day! And while in the treadmill, I have blinkers on, ear plugs, I cannot see what is really going on, I cannot hear my Little Girl’s voice telling me about her pain or her needs… or my kid’s voices! So these days I set myself regular alarms on the phone to reconnect within, to help me change that treadmill habit!

The third surprise was to notice how the biggest pain was not about feeling unsupported, but about feeling disconnected. It was not so bad that the kids didn’t help, but it felt horrendous that I didn’t truly listen within. It brought up the emotional loneliness of my childhood when my parents were angry or excessively demanding: I had been emotionally abandoned by my parents at times of stress, and I was abandoning myself in similar moments. Unsupported is not as painful as abandoned. I wonder if that is for everyone? Is it the same for you?

So, again, it’s all about connection. In this case, about inner connection. May you find many ways in which you can stay in touch with yourself, so you can be truly connected to your loved ones.

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Our task as parents is not to avoid disconnection. Disconnection will happen; it’s part of life.
What we need to do is to become masters at reconnecting.
Larry Cohen


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Inspired Parenting Glossary

Sweet Spot:
Term created by Marion Rose to indicate the place where pent up emotions are stored up in our system.




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