Compassion, April 2015

Children sometimes can get very clingy. I have so many times felt that kind of pull: they hang from my hands or climb on to my shoulders or pull down on my skirts, asking that I come down to their level and connect. That request has often felt heavy to me. I suppose I felt that heaviness in my mum when I asked her for connection as a little girl; and when she didn’t give it to me, I ended up believing that there were other things more important than me, like getting things done or arriving to places in time. That belief has stayed with me, and now I see myself repeating the pattern with my daughter. She wraps her hands around my neck and hangs down with all her weight. I get angsty, I need to get on with jobs, it never seems to be the right time. I know that the message she gets is: ‘Doing things is more important than loving you’, and I certainly do not agree with that. Yet, I have never been able to shift that feeling of heaviness whenever it appeared. Until today.Mother-holding-child

Lately I have been working on compassion. Specially compassion towards myself, towards the parts of me that are not as patient, loving, compassionate and sensitive as I would like them to be. Yes, I practice compassion towards the non-compassionate part of me. It sounds like a mind trick, but it works! You see: when my little one pulled me down yet again this evening, I let myself go into that heaviness. I knew she was feeling anxious and scared, but I felt like I didn’t have anything to give, not even resistance. So I stopped resisting her pull. As I let go internally, I looked at the scared part in me that needs to be forever busy and held her lovingly in my heart. In my arms, I was holding my daughter. I poured compassion onto my scared busy woman (the non-compassionate part of me), and tender love on to my girl. It felt so easy and natural to do both at the same time. In a matter of seconds, my fear and anxiety had melted. My daughter’s too. And all there was left was connection.

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